Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans