“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce