If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.