Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.