I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name