cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.