Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis