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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.