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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Just a phase…
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
christening a ship with an overripe banana
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Truth