me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*lint rolls you awake*
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”