After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*