I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
You Might Also Like
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
where do you see yourself in five years?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
#oldknees
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening