PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
This hospital has everything
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
For anyone who needs this today
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back