My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.