[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
You got this…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Need this in my life lol
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.