Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago