[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Stop sending me this shit.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
This classic never gets old . . .
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose