Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
For those that worship cheese..
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??