A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
synchronized noseblowing
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
i love meeting boys on tinder
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”