Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose