[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved