I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?