My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Message from the dog groomers
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I mean…but I did