[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Canadian owl: Eh?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.