The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?