[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*