I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
You Might Also Like
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I wanna be friends with this person
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.