Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey