Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
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*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.