Today’s Times
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving