Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I get distracted pretty eas
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.