Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.