[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.