Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective