gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How do you milk an almond?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.