Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
mentally somewhere in italy
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine