Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-