UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.