Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”