You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!