My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.