Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you