I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone