imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
mathematically impossible
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.