Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
yes… yes…
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*