Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Never forget.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics