Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
cats when you pet them too long:
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.