Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.