I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
How did we not see this back then?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy