@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My wife gives the best headache.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
i think we should see other cousins